Looking back on my post of yesterday, I felt that I have to, no I must and I will continue to write stories coming directly out of my heart. The love and support I got yesterday was amazing and I thank you all so much for it, I’m moved as well as being really grateful.
“Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress; staring at the sunset, babe, red lips and rosy cheeks, say you’ll see me again, even if it’s just pretend…”
I lost a person very dear to me, I described it in my first post as somebody who I had a romantic relationship with in my first post. Often you’ll hear that time heals wounds but I’d like to think the contrary, time allows us to think yes, but we often put that thinking to the negative; we yearn for the undesirable, we are slowly becoming part of the problem instead of being the solution. My advice to anybody really is: always keep your door open to conversation, confrontation and support.
Out of respect for my former lover, I will conceal her identity as well as leaving a lot of details in the shadows. Because it isn’t my intention to depict her as a black, evil entity, but as a fellow human being whom I loved and cherished. As I’ve said before the journey towards the end result is just a important to me.
I’ve met her when I was really young, or however young you want to call it really haha. I was 18, I formally entered a relationship with her when I was 19. I came from a dark place with dark thoughts and all I wanted was for somebody to be there for me and made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered to her. We’ve definitely have had our own arguments and disagreements but sadly in the end it all became too much, naturally I had a role in that, because a relationship is always 50% you and 50% your other half. Distance killed it. Lack of physical love killed it. Hiding the relationship probably helped killing it too and I definitely take responsibility for whatever I have wronged and I have asked for forgiveness for what I have done bad.
Truly it was heartbreaking to hear that the person you thought you shared your whole world with left you, with words saying that it is unbearable, unhealthy and that the limit has been reached, proceeding by outright ignoring you and leaving you in the cold for weeks.
But. That was her right. Whether I liked it or not I had to respect it. That alone felt for me that I was being the bigger person. Respect the decision maturely and deal with the break up on my own without causing unnecessary Hollywood style dramas and hot revelations.
To this day our relationship feels fractured but whole for some reason (catch the reference and you might win a cookie ;)), strained and rusty. I’ve always said to her that communication, even after a break up is the right thing to do. And that’s what I want to give to you all today. Please, please keep on communicating, don’t stop until you hear everything out of that person’s side, give him or her the chance to explain herself, but also don’t forget that you have to make your own demands clear, your own desires and your own future with or without that person in the next chapter of your life. But. Don’t forget that there are always strings attached to what you do. You cannot forever initiate communication if the other party opposes it. Move on with your life and start a new chapter, even though you thought you were already writing beautiful chapters and was in the middle of a sentence.
Everybody deserves to love and be loved. When my ex told me she apparently already rushed into another relationship and had already broken up, I initially felt hurt and angry; “how could she already be with somebody so soon even though she said she wouldn’t be for quite a time.”. A lot of feelings rushed into me that day and instead of classically running out of my house to drink a bottle of Moët, I took the liberty to wait for once. Several things became crystal clear to me that day. Her promises/words mean squat (she even acknowledged that that was a problem) but most importantly, it was time for me to move on. My feelings and my best friends tell me that she’s been saying that to rub it in my face, even when she asked about how to cope with break up, the irony of it all being that she didn’t feel the least bad when she broke up with me and now she does had me realize another thing or two. It was enough pitying myself and time to feel bad for what a person she had become.
I looked for her, kept myself updated on her, begged her to remember me, even if it’s pretend or false, in the style of Taylor Swift. It is all different now, because I want to be loved again, and I want to love again. So I will. When the time arises and she wants to act and revert back to the old times as friends, then so I will to but now it’s all about me. Because my dear readers, contrary to what tv shows want to teach you, in relationships you sure enough often might forget about your other half but the person you miss out on most is yourself.
Meet new people. Date around, there’s not need to commit too fast unless you super like that person. All the advice I’ve gotten from family and friends and the same advice I want to pass on to you guys. If you learn to fully love yourself, you can become a happy person too and that is really important because only you can be there for you, always.
To some you may be a fading memory, to others you will become the source of many more delightful memories to come. That’s my mantra of this period and that’s the same peptalk I want to give those struggling or feeling sad now.
I hope this has been a wonderful read for everybody, if you want to share something with me, drop a comment below or use the contact form, this blog is still a work in progress so it might look a little messy haha.
Until then, take care and stay healthy!
Can’t finish this blog without listening to this cool song haha :’)