I’ve been backing off of Facebook out of fear of me being hurt and belittled, indirectly by her posts, probably in the same way she’s not as active on Facebook. Today I was just browsing my Facebook, played a little Facebook game called Marvel: Avengers Alliance and happened to stumble upon her post(s). I was kind of shocked. And to be honest, disappointed.
My ex-girlfriend has had her own fair share of problems I do not wish to disclose out of respect, I can however say as much as that she has very controlling parents and a pressurized feeling in her life. Parents that expect the most out of her, parents that don’t really sympathize with her way of thinking and only want the best of the best out of her accomplishments. I feel for her, when I was her boyfriend but also now as just a regular friend.
You can hate your exes as much as you want but you have to admit that you are forever bound to them even if it’s the thinnest thread you can think of. That thread is called history and one does not change history. I still wonder what made her break up with me. I admitted my failures and shortcomings but always vowed to be there for her in whatever way possible. I think that perhaps my harsh way/down to earth talking, my strict style of no-nonsense and work-before-fun regime is what drove a wedge between us. I think I evolved into some sort of older brother instead of the lover. I think I became a nagging mom who wants her child to excel, instead of the boyfriend who says she looks cute or pretty. I wanted to be more. I wanted to be sensible. I wanted to be of actual help. I wanted to save her and play an actual active role in her life, other than being the factor that says she’s right when she’s wrong or have trivia chats. I acted like a husband towards his wife, or rather the wife towards her husband. And looking back at all I did, I think I may have been wrong. I don’t necessarily regret all I have done because the way I see it, I have tried to help her, even if I didn’t always sound as nice. She even said I was the most selfless person she knew and that she was very selfish to break up with me. Aside from former said, all of what I thought is of course pure speculation. I don’t have the intention to ask her any of this in the foreseeable future.
A girl with a very docile nature. Extremely reluctant to show skin, very friendly, somebody who always tried to be nice in her own way. I honestly don’t know where it went wrong. You can talk me down however you want, I don’t think getting drunk is an accomplishment you should be proud of, multiple times and shared on Facebook, whilst being drunk. My very heart that was shattered by this girl, now feels pain and disappointment. What happened to my friend? What happened to her that made her stoop so low? I don’t see any of the goodness in her now, I used to see in her before and that makes me worried.
My cousin suggested I move on and let it all just go. I understand where she’s coming from and I do feel that way but a part of me just cannot resist in telling my ex that what she’s doing is completely wrong. Then again, that urge is quite possibly the factor that drove my relationship off a cliff. She has the freedom she wanted now, if anything, the strings (me) that held her are now cut off. But to me it just doesn’t feel right. I just sense that she’s off, I think you develop a feeling for that if you know somebody for so long.
She broke up with me on the 4th of July, entered another relationship almost in a heartbeat, hinted she dyed her hair purple because she saw I dyed my hair, all the drunken posts, her being drunk and a newfound obsession for soft drugs. Speculation may lead to one digging their own graves. I prefer not to but as any other human, I can’t help it. Something tells me there’s despair. I talked with her as I wrote in my previous chapter. She held a seemingly bulletproof story of her doing absolutely well, but is that the truth. Of course she wasn’t going to tell me the things that didn’t go her way, we all would hide our wounds from our exes, we all would want to come across alive and still strong. But I could sense a hurt soul.
I still believe that what we had was special and I don’t think she’ll forget that as well. The both of us learned a lot from each other and yes, despite the crap she hurled at me, I do somewhat still care for her. I just can’t help but think there are forces out there, evil influences beyond my control who are messing with her head, who didn’t want us to work. After all a long distance relationship is extremely difficult to maintain and all is based on trust.
Of course the possibility exists that she’s perfectly fine and that I’m just deluding myself. Whatever the case may be, I hope that she’ll stay on the right path. I hope she’ll stay good and sensible. I’ve also slightly have a change of heart, I’m willing to let her again into my life, even though that might not be the best decision. Today marks yet another progress for me moving on, one that hurts but one that has to be made.
I wonder if we’ll ever meet, sigh, I sound so sentimental and caring and I bet tomorrow or another day I’ll bitch about her to somebody I know. But the words I wrote here stand and I won’t take them back. I wish a beautiful life and all the best in the world, my dear old friend, my dear ex-beloved. Maybe if fate has it, our paths will cross in real life and we might end up together again but for now, I hope you find peace in your mind, soul and heart.