My beloved readers how have you been? I know it’s been quite a while again since I last wrote you. Things have changed and no, sadly not always for the better. I feel that 2016 might actually be ending with a lot of food for thoughts, setbacks and disappointments on my end.
I told you I met this amazing girl slightly more than a month ago. Well we were used to seeing each other at least once every week. We’d confirm to meet at the local Starbucks and then go to her place. Over the course of the month I felt that I was getting more drawn to her, intimately and spiritually. I thought she was a fun person to be with. We discussed the possibilities of a relationship together and while at first she heavily implied and actually wanted to know whether I felt the same way, I told her we should take it easier because we had known each other for two weeks back then. So of course she’d snap in a way and decided to shield herself from various sorts of attempts by me to actually bring our relationship closer to a romantic one.
The friendly relationship I had with my ex, prior to entering a romantic one lasted for about five whole months. It was difficult for me to understand the genuineness of her meanings. I felt it was hard to see whether there would be a successful outcome between the both of us that I took immensely long to reply to her or give her the closure or actually confirmation of a relationship. Some people might say I even played her. Whatever people may think or say, I take responsibility for what has happened and I definitely didn’t mean to be somebody who plays. So with this girl I constantly informed her I care about her and that my feelings genuinely grew for her by the day.
It’s been difficult so far and why? It’s because she’s taken a lot of measures into protecting her feelings, making sure she can reduce pain and damage overall but foremost, cleverly knows how to redirect fault. I do not know whether she’s consciously victimizing herself but it’s a trait I felt uneasy with, because it makes me seem as if I’m the despicable deplorable, while in reality I do care and I do have to have my feelings protected too, only nobody seems to be bothered about mine.
For instance she regularly asks whether I missed her. Of course I do. Has some dude roommate come to her room, carry her, kiss her on the forehead/head and tells me? Am I supposed to go all “yay I’m so glad for you”? What is it we have then?! Not to mention that I’m doing my best into seeing whether there’s an event for us to attend and she turned it down because she had to go to her friend and spend three days because that friend is feeling depressed and bullied by some weird anime geek. Great. Marvelous. Oh and did I mention today I was waiting for her on the whatsapp but she instead preferred to watch a drama with her friend and a guy she actually doesn’t like? Way to go Kevin, you scored yourself another pain in your mind!
I can only describe the chilly atmosphere I’m experiencing with the slight hurting of my heart. Because it does. I regularly place other people’s feelings before my own and watch as theirs get protected, mine gets run over. Will I ever learn? I don’t know. I do know I will try to keep strong as always and write to you all as much as I can.
Hey barkeeper hit me up with another glass of red wine! The true solver to any depression or bummer. Better have a scotch on the side too if I wanna sleep nicely.
Take care and as always, I love you guys!