Kevin: “Will you become my girlfriend?”
Ex: “Treasure me. Love me. Respect me. Don’t cheat on me. We’ll be together.”
Just a couple of things that were said from the bottom of our hearts I believed on December 11th 2016. The day, I thought I may call myself lucky with this girl. Less than three weeks later on the 29th-30th, all hell broke loose and again I found myself kicked to the curb. Why? My life is a beauty?
Many things happened. My ex supposedly got told off by friend and foe alike by the way I was constantly in her presence. I am often described to be a somewhat extravagant person, over the top, with an eye for detail and a taste for the eccentric. In the words of the masses I guess I were to be called “gay” or a “fag” for being actually a “pretty boy” and being a tad feminine. These factors weighed in and caused the meddling third party people to tell her that I was somebody she should look out for, lest I’d break her heart. Now let me sum up the things I’ve done for her in the meantime. Just to show how much of an asshole I really am:
- Provided her with mental support during her panic attacks in public
- Visited her and kept her company when she was feeling down and lonely
- Paid for several dinners and food
- Taught her how to be fashionable
- Gave her something incredibly special to me, call it the boy variant of a maiden’s purity
I loved her. Not immediately but of course I loved her and who knows for the sake of my sanity and protection of my feelings and I’d rather deny it now than saying I still somewhat do. I don’t want to forever be bound to a replay in which I’m always the loser. But it’s perfectly normal. How can you go through a lot and not still “love” that somebody. Both of us were victims of circumstances, both of us went through hardships that defined the people we are today. With that said I would like to note that there are critical differences between us. She chose to let sadness consume her in different ways, being exposed to an incredibly unhealthy ex and cutting herself whilst I let the obsession of beauty make me semi-mad. I thought that we’d be able to to accept each other, understand each other and be there for each other romantically as partners.
Tuesday 13th December was when she told me I wasn’t manly enough, she listed the way I talk, my behavior and the way I act; my overall attitude. But nevertheless she wanted me to still be present on Friday the 16th to meet her dad and just have the last time together (little did I know the last time as a couple) before she headed to Japan. On the 16th it became apparent that she felt I was not being the person she wanted me to become, I could sense that there was something she was looking for but that she couldn’t exactly find it in me, pressurized by third parties, the date of the death of her mother years ago, as well as the break up date of her ex in 2015 and her journey to Japan were coming so closely and I seemed to be part of the problem instead of being part of the solution. What could I say then? I wished her the best, opted to change the things I could part with and wished her a nice trip.
The days after certainly didn’t make me feel any better. I reached out for her and I constantly got cold, one sided messages as response to my regular positive self. Now I don’t exactly finish each and every sentence with a smiley, I was rather normal to how I treated her and since at the time she was my girlfriend, I still treated her with words of endearment. All of these cold messages eventually built up to the point of me feeling I was wrongfully being neglected, and being pushed aside and dumped as the trash I was in her eyes. On the 30th I finally got a proper hold of her and asked her as to why I was being sent such shabby and minimalistic messages. Demanding a normal reply I insisted it’s either the poor wifi in Japan or her inability to write somebody normally. Finally, I got the response out of her but of course not the one I wanted. I had to pull the break up message from her and I had to conclude for myself that she wanted to end this all. Citing the reason of me not being manly and there’s nothing manly about me, hurts me to the very core this day. I’ve mentioned how much it affects me that people cannot look at me at a sexually lustful way, I am probably more of a dolly to be admired than an object to be listed for and in the western world, the former isn’t doing you any good. This girl took my strength, my self confidence away as easily as she has given me and that really broke my heart and made me feel anxious. I wasn’t walking on sunshine anymore, I was walking on broken glass, from my shattered fragile crystal heart.
In my New Years post I tried to uplift my spirit and be casual and strong for myself, my family and my future. I cannot wallow in self pity all the time and I have to realize either this pain is my poison or my fuel to kill or better myself.
But then. Today she send me a message asking whether she could come by and give me my gift. I dragged it out and only replied about 2 hours later that she could come. She said she’d come around 1 and eventually 2 but I saw her arriving at 2:30 PM. The timing has little added value to the story but maybe you can pick up something I haven’t noticed. She handed the gift, said she was sorry for the messages and basically explained that the girl she was on a holiday with, gave her an incredible hard time. So much that her uncle even said she should break off the friendship because it doesn’t work that way. After I said the infamous words of “I told ya so”, I gave her my gift and she requested me to open mine in front of her. I was happy seeing the gift but I felt uneasy looking at how comfortable she was, even asking me whether I liked her new coat. She then departed and I said I’d see her around. How much of the latter is true, I don’t know but I felt a number of things welling up inside of me.
What have I done? Have I acted wrongly on a whim? Have I acted wrongly on my impulse? Could it be that I was my own enemy and inadvertently caused for the destruction of my own relationship or did I just freed her from something that was choking her?
I feel conflicted, I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t gain anything and I feel I have been had.
“Tell me what to do”, I do not know what’s happening to me, I’ve kept strong for a few days but experience a relapse I DO NOT want happening. I’m off to a “great” start of the new year and I feel like an asshole already. For a girl I actually liked a lot.
Will let you guys know how things turn out for the better or worse. I got dumped already, what more could happen? Maybe I’m making a big deal out of something that is nothing, we’ll see.