My beloved readers, I had only written you a few days ago on the subject of me being a cracked porcelain doll, an analogy for something sweet that has sadly been mistreated and not cared for to suffer such awful damages. Sometimes we feel that it’s unjust of ourselves to call what we faced and are facing “abuse”, but I stand before you as a victim of abuse, perhaps not physically but definitely mentally and it has to stop. Do not mistake for a moment that the problem you have faced or are facing are nothing less than squabbles, puny and not important at all. They surely have affected you and much as they have affected me. To anybody who reads this, if you have met such difficulties in your life caused by one or more people, don’t ever hesitate to brush this off as something normal. And if the next “special” person doesn’t understand the hardships and abuse you’ve experienced, I think it’s time to move on.
It pains me always to write negative entries in this series. I won’t lie to you, if I had seen better days, I would’ve written something nicer as I have done so before. I’ve written my intro of this blog as a public service announcement of some sort. Towards anybody really who reads this blog, to stand up for themselves when they clearly know they have been mistreated for no real reason.
Today, in an old chat of my (former) Facebook friends, I read something rather disturbing. My ex found it quite “amusing” that I was still in the mutual chat and even insultingly thought I had died or something like that. The words after were “so salty”, though I am not sure whether they were for me, since there were some pictures sent in between by other people, perhaps to lighten up the mood. This is an ex who broke up with me slightly over a year ago and prompted me to start this blog indirectly. She’s also indirectly responsible for the colossal amounts of failed dates and eventually two failed relationships I’ve had. There has been an empty spot ever since, a sort of longing of understanding and companionship I’ve been trying to fill, to no avail obviously and sadly.
I’ve already written to you what I’ve done for her and how I’ve helped her, strived towards making her a better person. My ex who followed after during the October-December months, I’ve protected her, cared for her, wiped her tears away and consoled her. That also ended abruptly in a devastating attack on me as person and my masculinity. There’s even an awful chance that our paths may cross during the start of the new school year as I’ve seen her during an orientation day of the new university I’m attending. And last and definitely least; my latest ex. The mute huan who thought of breaking up with me days in advance, had no shame of accepting my gift even though she clearly wanted to be rid of me already and well yeah just the fact that it was so hard to talk to her.
All of those above relationships ended in horror, though I must admit the last one was the “nicest break up” I’ve ever had. The first ex I mentioned had me thrown out of all group chats, rubbed in my face that she had gotten another guy and even asked my advice on whether to get him back since she dumped him. She successfully turned all her friends against me and started the second largest witch hunt I’ve experienced on Facebook. My second ex after mockingly taking my gender into question, humiliated me, trampled on my plea to reason, quickly blocked me and casted me off all social media, the day I went for my South Korea trip. Finally, huan, she wore the necklace I gave her when we were still dating as she went out with friends to what seems to be like a club. She also wished to dismiss the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing we had going on as “casual dating”.
So as you can see, enemies to the east, enemies to the west, enemies to the south and enemies to the north. I’m surrounded by people I once loved, I once called my friends and people who would love to see my head on a spike right now.
I know what I have done wrong, I am a human being too, there is absolutely no denying that I have not made any mistakes. However, what have I done to these girls to suffer such a tremendous backlash and immense amount of hate and disgust for me? All I’ve ever wanted was love, serenity and understanding. I’ve done my best trying to be as supportive as I can for them but it has only been answered with great retaliation. So what else can I do in order for this madness to stop?
This reminds me of several scenes in Game of Thrones, where women who have committed sins of atrocities, have to perform a certain ritual for their religion to be cleansed of all wrongdoings. They are stripped naked and walk down a path as the whole town can see and be hurled at with rocks, feces and whatnot. The walk of atonement. Do I have to beg, plead for forgiveness and accept this penance and punishment for all my sins?
My sins, I have tried my best loving, though in the past I know I could be very dominant, very demanding towards at least the first ex I’ve mentioned. I’ve made many lies. I’ve told lies to my parents to keep my (at the time) girlfriends away from them. I did it so that they wouldn’t get more stressed or worked up as they are already, however I do accept and understand I have lied. Finally the act of fornication, I think this speaks for itself, it has always been consensual and even been wanted a lot from the previous two exes. Even though I obliged, in this day and age if a couple don’t have intercourse it’s weird, I do understand it’s a grave sin. For all these sins I am truly sorry, I do ask forgiveness from God and I always try to improve my life and that of others. This is the most I can do within my power.
I truly hope that aside from asking forgiveness every night before I sleep and now fully written it in this post, that I can be left alone now. That I too may usher in an era of peace. I deserve it. While I do know I wasn’t always the nicest person, I can only hope that the mistreatment I’ve gotten from all these girls will be shown back to them in some sort of divine retribution. I still believe that there is justice in this world. Let those who seek to better themselves and their lives be shown a brighter path while those who keep tormenting and abusing long after the break up be punished accordingly.